Swirls of White and Blue

May 23, 4:12 am.

I'm struggling.

Not in the noble sense.  Not in any sense.  Probably most in nonsense.  Perhaps that's the hardest part of it.

... you know, I wish this silly journal of mine looked like I designed it to look--with the pretty mountains, and the lake in the background.  There's solace for me there, in the swirls of white and blue just above the cut lines of the mountains craggy peaks.  But no.  It's a hauntingly empty snowstorm of white, with cruel black letters bearing witness to my fragmented thoughts.  And so here I am, switching from this typing screen to majesty--the pretty mountains, and the lake, and the swirls of white and blue.  Oh for majesty; for swirls of white and blue.

I'd offer a disclaimer, but I don't want to discredit my words.  Yet the place in which my thoughts accumulate is vague and unsure.  I'm sleep-deprived, I'm... I'm just not in a good place.  I watched two movies featuring story lines with heavy psycho(patho)logical plot lines:  "Hard Candy," and "The Woodsman."  Perhaps not the best choice; perhaps the best choice.  Suggestion, revelation--do your own psychoanalysis... frankly, I don't care much for the ramifications of your formed opinion, because this. is. for me.

I think I'm struggling.
I think I'm struggling a lot.

I'm not sleeping at night, I can't focus well in the day.  I see no way in which Step 1 can pass without leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.  I feel shot.  Done.  Like a laundry sheet that's been through so many times, you mistake it for lace.

I feel like a shell of something that once used to be alive.  Now, I'm just faking it, keeping up appearances so that life goes on.  Time ticks by.  The ride keeps going, but I don't feel I can keep alert.  Everything that was once sacred, was once meaningful--I think I've squandered.  Now they are shells and shadows of what I used to know; I feel like a fraud.  Because I can't see the majesty, the swirls of white and blue.

And to be honest... I'm really glad that very few people read this blog.  I can spill my thoughts out, in solitude, with a pittance of memento, of a chronicle, or record, something of substance onto which, over the years, my soul can spill.

Swirls of white and blue.

The gray ought be in summer days
With sun and golden grain
For when it comes with wintry storm
Depression falls by rain


Wrapped by muscle, skin and sinew, by breath held, caged by by bone
She finds the contorting beat beneath her has become her home.

Homosexuality, a Facebook Post

From a Facebook post 

May 2013

Homosexuality. 

... so I just rode home on my bike. One more day of studying done. And I'm perusing the internet while my heart goes thud-thud-thud, and I stumble across news about one of my favorite authors.

It seems that Rob Bell has stepped out in favor of same-sex marriage. Connected with his new book, "What We Talk About When We Talk About God." He even has done an interview or two on the subject--and apparently upset a lot of church-going people that are trying to love Jesus.

Here's what struck me: why is it that homosexuality gets so much attention? Why is it that homosexuality gets such limelight, to the point that many of us are familiar with claims that it is the thing so many God-followers fear is "destroying the sanctity" of marriage?

During 4 years at Walla Walla University, I only heard one guy take on the issue of pornography with gusto. He talked about masturbation, and why he had come to the personal decision that it shouldn't be part of his life in Christ.

He called porn the "Goodyear Blimp in the room." Said it was so large, that most of us had our chins forced 90 degrees in either direction, making it difficult to look at the issue. He even suggested that porn creates, single-handedly, the driving separation for men from the church--that is, the large gap between female and male church attendance. Matthew Gamble's word pictures are awesome. And it seems I remember him citing a survey of men at a marriage conference for church leaders (these are church leaders, mind you), that over 60% labeled themselves as addicted to pornography.

Didn't Jesus speak on divorce? "And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful."

And what about affairs?

What IS purity, in practical terms? What IS sexual immorality?

And what about the pleasure that God created sex to be? At what point does sexual pleasure become something that destroys good things in life, as sin does?

Perhaps it's just me, but I feel so much of healthy sexuality is in the gray. And I don't feel the church has said many meaningful things to me about all this gray. Purity, pleasure, when, why, pitfalls, what Biblical principles guide this topic, and how culture affects the application of those principles. I'd be excited if these became as popular as discussions about homosexuality... 

So. To practical matters.

I'm not homosexual, but I've still got piles of work to do to figure out this sexuality thing, and how God makes it beautiful. Therefore (for me currently), getting overly worked up about homosexuality for the sake of my brother/sister seems a bit silly. If they love God, seems He'll work on them, like He's working on me. And perhaps we can discuss what we're learning together... which probably requires trust and friendship, and perhaps even a bit of niceness/love. And actually meeting people that happen to be homosexual.

And love probably doesn't center around avoiding, disliking, or casting quick and easy judgments. Darn. I am so good at that.

So why does homosexuality get so much more attention? Seems it's hogging the spotlight, and my problems are getting jealous.