Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Ways of We

Ways of We

by Ryan Billington
December 21, 2011

The differences 'tween ways of "we"
That some cause rage and some cause glee
So random, indistinguished, free;
That with you, might I simply be
In unadorned simplicity.
Yet switch me to another "we"
To learn synthesis of austerity
Though hard we strive, nere to see
A more twisted connectivity--
A mess of me in we.

Stark dichotomy is this:
The first--surreal, ethereal bliss
"Possible" eclipsed by surprising tryst
A world repainted with magic's kiss
Encompassed by enlightened mist
We dash along each other's twists,
And in "we," I find me free.

The second path, e'er more so tangled
The twists between, so gnarled, mangled
Damage by confused harangules*
Speeches choked with gangled jangles
So lost are we, in woods, triangled
'Tween you and me and we...
Lost in missed simplicity.

I wish to emphasize a truth--
Though discordancies run uncouth,
While harmony reigns in youth
In these different paths of "we,"
These different degrees of simplicity,

That one is not e'er set in better
Though easier it may be forever
But both essential, learning tethers
To life, you, me, and we--
To matchless, danced complexity--
Truths in ways of we.


*Harangule -  a mid-sized diatribe, in a similar juxtaposition as the mid-sized SUV, or arterioles and venules in the human body; a medium-sized verbal attack. 

Friday, December 9, 2011

Thoughts and Tuxedos

        To date, this blog has been a compiling of more formal written works.  Polished.  Edited.  Re-drafted.  I think I'm going to try to change the the flavor of it all.  And this is difficult for me.  It's easy to be polished, isn't it?  To present well, to be not only competent, but excellent.  Back in Walla Walla, a theology professor as gnarled and thoughtful as an old oak tree, dropped an five-minute thought on my classmates one day--to have the courage to be mediocre.  And the thought rang true in my life experience.  How often am I concerned with appearances and performance, to the exclusion of living life in this moment?  I'd like to live now, here, in this moment, and be a bit less wrapped up in damage-control, what if's, the whirlwind of possible misunderstandings.

        I do like completed thoughts.  I like how they grow and mature into powerful new understandings and perspectives.  I like how they begin to fit, to sync, to click-in with the other puzzle pieces of my worldview, and I like being conscious of these connections.  Yet how vibrant life is, it's colors spinning all around me in such a way that I find I am ever only improvising in this moment--this moment that happens once.  Life seems rather informal in that way, how we all are thrust into the present.  So perhaps my ideas should enter this dance as well, and leave the tuxedo behind so that these thoughts of mine can dash through streets, jump in puddles, and risk being identified as everyday.  I'd rather be a street philosopher, with dirt under my fingernails, wet shoes from the puddles, and full lungs from dashing about and dodging cars and accidentally running into people and tripping over my own two feet.

Yes.  Tripping.  I'm excited about this, about tripping.

I'm going to go do a bit of that now, for it's rather late.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

On the Purpose of the Sabbath

Ryan Billington
8/31/11
Orientation to Religion and Medicine
Essay:  A Day for Healing


                My history within the Adventist church places a rich emphasis on Sabbath, God’s holy day of rest.  From the time of my childhood, I can recall many of our family traditions that surrounded this day:  the hectic Friday cleaning after school, the special Friday night meal, attending Sabbath school and church, special Sabbath games after lunch, and a special sundown worship to conclude the Sabbath before the Saturday nights of games and family fun.  Yet despite my extensive history and experience with the Sabbath, I still wrestle with what I’m to do on this holy day.  I suggest in this brief essay that Sabbath is to be a time for reflection that can then stimulating action; a time for re-centering and re-adjusting my life around the redemptive work of God.
My personally defined purpose of Sabbath sounds terrific:  a reflective, action-stimulating day for re-centering upon the salvation possible through Christ.  However, the application of this purpose—any sort of application—is incredible difficult.  Allow me elaborate.  I claim to be a follower of Christ.  In my understanding, this claim means that the central focus of my life and actions are upon Christ and his example, and that I seek to live in a connection with God that alters the my decisions, my daily course.  I am to seek God, and allow that seeking to transform my actions.
How does this purpose of my being a Christian in every day of my life relate to Sabbath?  Sabbath is to be special day—set aside from other days of the week as a unique opportunity for God’s redemptive work.  Therefore, how should Sabbath differ from what I seek to do every day as a follower of Christ?  What in my actions on this seventh day sets Sabbath apart as holy?  What makes this a day dedicated to the salvation of my life and my world; what makes my Sabbath a special time for God’s redemptive work?  After having wrestled for several years with the mechanics of “the Sabbath difference” with only pint-sized results, I have begun to reach beyond my fears of “breaking” the rules of this holy day.  Instead of Sabbath being a twenty-four hour standard of living which I must achieve, the day is becoming a checkpoint for the standard of living to which I prescribe the other six days of the week.  Therefore, instead of Sabbath being a day that I must set apart, it becomes a day when I look and wrestle with how it is that I’m setting my life apart.
                They say that in the Gospels—the record of Jesus’ life while on earth—the majority of his miracles were performed on Sabbath, that on this particular day of the week, Jesus actively sought out individuals to heal.  Often, he did so publically, under direct observation of his greatest critics, such as in Mark 3, and Luke 13.  Might I suggest that Jesus was trying to re-adjust, to re-center the holiness pursued by the Pharisees upon the ways of God.  I think that Jesus was not merely teaching us about Sabbath, or about the ways to keep this day holy, but that he was also pursuing individuals—the Pharisees, the leader of the synagogue—by challenging, begging a readjustment not only of their standard of Sabbath-keeping, but of the standard by which they were living life. 
In the Old Testament, the Sabbath day was set apart by God as a holy day.  But in the New Testament, in John 17 just before his crucifixion, Jesus prays to God for “all who will ever believe in me”, saying, “Make them pure and holy by teaching them your words of truth… I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are—I in them and you in me, all being perfected into one.  Then the world will know that you sent me and will understand that you love them as much as you love me” (John 17:20, 22-23 NLT).  From my limited understanding, it seems that we are to be the glory of God, perfected by God’s redemptive work into the holiness and oneness of God Himself.  We are to be holy, not merely keep a holy day.  And once we are living holy lives, perhaps then we will figure out what keeping a holy day is all about.  Perhaps this is a small piece of the reason that Jesus said, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.  So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath” (Mark 2:27 NIV).  

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Statues

Statues
by Ryan Billington
May 19, 2011

                I’m a college student.  While the fact seems fairly obvious, it seems my brain has its ganglia wrapped around certain parts of childhood over which I become a bit nostalgic.  Like official nap time.  Or Legos.   Or snack time with Cheez-Its and Jell-o squares.  Or flannel graph boards.  Seriously — how cool were flannel graphs?  I think some of my college classes could be greatly benefited by those felted figures, with the professor acting out the different voices and sounds, inching the happy sheep herd slowly toward the waterhole, unaware of the wolf behind the giant felt bolder.  I can feel the tension.  Who wants to watch a felt wolf engulf a herd of happy sheep?  But you know it won’t happen.  Everything always works out right in Flannel Graph Land.  The trees are loaded with apples, the people are always smiling.  I mean — where did we get the idea of warm-fuzzy notes?  Makes me wonder if they ever prescribe flannel graphing for stress relief.
I was walking back in the rain from a vespers I had almost skipped, feeling a bit contemplative.  It was late after vespers, and everyone had disappeared to after-vespers hang-outs except for the few stragglers around me — the few, the proud, the remnant that stays till they shut off the sanctuary lights.  Recently, the Walla Walla University alumni donated funds to create a statue monument depicting Jesus washing the feet of a small group of college students.  Jesus has a small water jar that pours a cord of water into a basin at the students’ feet. The water gurgles a bit as it lands in the basin.  It sounds like happy water — like the water molecules are smiling, just like the kids around Jesus.  The statues are artfully surrounded by curved benches and crisp red brick boxes, holding the small trees and many lights which cast a glow on the footwashing scene.  With the lights pitching a roofless canopy in the falling rain, I watched as droplets of light hovered over the figures, suspended in illumination as new raindrops replaced those that fell, gracefully cascading down upon the stilled figures, melting into rivulets tinged with bronze that traced the contours of the statues to splash upon the sidewalk.  It was beautiful.
                I turned away from the statues, raindrops misting the backs of my calves.  I’d worn shorts to vespers, and the raindrops felt very wet, very alive.  I liked it.  But as I turned, I saw that the rain away from the dripping figurines didn’t look nearly as picturesque as it fell from a black sky; no golden glow was set in each droplet by those lights that warmed the statues.  And the people with whom I walked did not seem nearly as warm and inviting as the bronzed figures.  These real people were cast in shadows with hands shoved into pockets, arms tight to torso, bumping along in disjointed steps.  I think human beings look funny when walking.  I mean, there are a few exceptions, but for the common person, it seems like their gait lacks fluidity, or perhaps that their hips are jutting back just a bit too far so that their torso seems stuck in a perpetual overbite of their legs.  I even feel this way about my walk.  It’s really a shame they don’t have orthodontists for such things — you know, fixing people’s torso overbite.  But back to the people in the rain.  Cast in the shadows, stumbling through the night, the people next to me seemed — well — like less-es; loser aura; stragglers that didn’t get an invite to an after-vespers party; probably those awkward, socially sketchy people that I wouldn’t care to get to know.  This all sounds terribly elitist and judgmental.  But let me clarify:  I wasn’t feeling vindictive or prejudiced, I was just basking in a blah-ness towards friendliness that sucks away any desire for amiable aquaintancing.  I’m overemphasizing these slight feelings a wee bit to set the sort of the mood that I think many of us know well.
                As I walked away from the statues, my mind lingered on the light canopy, the happy water, Jesus and the college students, and the raindrops on my calves that made everything feel so alive.  I thought that the statue scene felt right.  Right, because I felt that it showed what Jesus would be doing on a rainy Friday evening such as this — out in a raincoat, serving the surprised and hesitant individuals that stumbled within his reach.  But then an epiphany hit me like a hello from Pedrito.  I realized — genius that I am — that such a Jesus would no longer be hanging out in his golden canopy.  He’d be cast in flitting shadows that would make his cheeks gaunt and his frame ambiguous, just like the people next to me.  Frankly, I liked Jesus in the warm glow of the lights.  He looked all Jesus-ish and inviting, just like he had as a flannel graph so many years ago.  I was kind of worried what he’d look like outside the lights, like he’d mutate into something else.  Fact is, I think if Jesus had walked across the Kretschmar lawn that night, and I would have thought him a less, with his odd raincoat and his hands stuffed in his pockets, which would have made his hips seem odd and awkwardly placed.  I probably would have avoided him.
                I think that I struggle to imagine a real-life Jesus.  Whenever I imagine him interacting with people, the scene turns into this meaning-packed, tension-filled melodrama that the sages and theology majors will study for centuries, critiquing every move and word and syllable from Christ.  It’s like those flannel graphs from primary class have never gone away, and Jesus is stuck on them, always surreal, with his perfect hair and little red sash.  It seems like if Jesus ever had any fun, then he’d be wasting precious moments in which he could have been ministering to someone.  I can’t picture Jesus just cutting loose and going waterskiing with me in the morning.  It seems I’ve trapped Jesus in this “meaning box,” in this canopy of light-lit, gold-flashing droplets under which everything — every action, thought, and eye shudder — must carry some grandiose purpose that should probably end up changing me, my life, someone else’s life, or — heck — the world.  And well — I guess when I step back and look at my perspective, it doesn’t seem like that fits into a very real reality, into very real relationships — I mean, at least, none that I’ve ever experienced.
                I guess I would hope that I get to know the other Jesus — not the one in the golden canopy — but the one with the funny raincoat and oddly shaped hips.  It seems like that’s the Jesus I need to learn to imagine and follow, the one that can fit into real moments and real relationships and my very real problem situations.  Perhaps one day I’ll learn to escape from the image of Jesus I saw on the flannel graph board, the Jesus that’s trapped in that golden canopy …

Thursday, December 30, 2010

E’er True

E’er True

a poem to my mother
on your birthday of December 30, 2010
from your youngest son.

A word for my mother on this day of all days—
It seems tradition, a bit, these syllables I say,
To dip and flow in meter and rhyme—
My thoughts, for you, a smooth pantomime.
Remembering past, recalling your worth,
That I’ve basked in and grown in, ever since birth.

I haven’t loved well, I’m the first to admit;
But learning to love is a task never quit.
I dream that one day I’ll perfect my attempts,
That perhaps into love might I invest my vehemence.
We’ve eternity to practice, to discover the new—
Mother, dream this—know it e’er to be true.

And while painful lows may have darkened our past;
Though jumbled roots tripped us, and left us aghast—
That though we may fight quarrel bicker days dusk,
That though we each feel our chastisement unjust,
Mother, hope this—know it e’er to be true;
Relationship, love—is a dance through and through…

This is the great beauty in the dance we call life
The unknown, unpredicted—despite fear of strife;
For though strife catch all, and dark despair ensues—
Mother, weep this—know it e’er to be true;
The brokenness of love is in its freedom to break,
A most vulnerable beauty that breath ever did take.

And despite cracked crevasses that dot this life dear,
Despite the aloneness that pushes so near—
Mother, pray this—know it e’er to be true;
That love, its footsteps so sacrificingly hued,
Overcomes every quandary and problem foretold;
That in loving, we put forth the best and the bold.

I pray upon all us the beauty love knew.
Mother, cherish this—know it e’er to be true;
The artist’s next brush stroke is but guess to the canvas,
And thus frees the joy of wondered, awed madness.
Potential—the future—but a gift that we share,
To venture in brush strokes toward ever e’er.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Bodies and Beehives: the Sociobiology of Virtue


Bodies and Beehives:  the Sociobiology of Virtue

By Ryan Billington


                So — the confession.  I’m an upper classman science major — a predisposition I feel might forewarn you to the perspective that originates the forthcoming article.  It seems the longer I stay on this Walla Wallaian campus, the more I notice the subtle departmental nuances residing in students prescribed to a particular curriculum:  the oddities of those engineering personalities, the quirks of the music majors, the idiosyncrasies of the English department or the art majors, or the quirks of those focused on the pursuit of better business abilities.  And we biology and chemistry majors are no different.  My upper division classes coagulate the oddities of the science-minded, producing discussions in Rigbyspeak of heterotrophic systems, isotypes, oxidative phosphorylation, and hyperconjugation … gobbledygook which might make a few of you feel ill upon mere mention.  But the gobbledygook fades to a whisper as we disperse from our upper division lectures and return to normal life, in which our scientific gibberish slips out only on occasion, leaving communications majors with that hint of a feeling, “What is up with those Rigbytarians?”

                I’m taking a class called sociobiology.  It’s a hush-hush upper division biology endeavor that examines the social behaviors of humans from an evolutionary perspective.  Evolution, by the way, just refers to change.  We talk about how things change, develop, come to be the norm in human social interactions.  And for things to become the norm, they must be passed on — an idea that we describe as evolutionary fitness:  the ability of an individual to get his or her DNA material onto the next generation.  So … don’t tell, but we might discuss “reproduction activities” fairly often.  And the cover of my sociobiology book might make you blush.  Random fact:  a few sociobiologists might appear as pornographers to the uneducated.  No further comment.

                But in my sociobiology class, we examine human behavior, specifically, how it benefits individuals and their evolutionary fitness.  Lately, we’ve been considering vice and virtue.  Here’s a perspective on the two from author Matt Ridley — see if you agree.  He says, “Selfishness is almost the definition of vice … murder, theft, rape, and fraud are considered crimes of great importance because they are selfish or spiteful acts that are committed for the benefit of the actor [at] the detriment of the victim.”  Matt believes that virtue lies on the opposite side of the fence, that “virtue is, almost by definition, [doing] the greater good of the group …  [that] cooperation, altruism, generosity, sympathy, kindness, selflessness — are all unambiguously concerned with the welfare of others,” (Ridley, pg. 38).

                Here’s a sociobiological problem:  it seems life does not favor the truly selfless or virtuous.  Yet, virtue is an idea that spans ethnicities and oceans.  We could perhaps even say it seems inherent in humanity.  How can virtue stick around when it seems that those who “turn the other cheek” will most likely end up ravaged in our dog-eat-dog world?  My life experience causes me to believe that the world will always contain people who will take advantage of kindness, generosity, and trust.  So how does virtue survive?  How can it when it seems that any virtue-embodying DNA would quickly be used, scammed, abandoned, enslaved, and starved into extinction?

                To answer this question, jump with me to beehives.  In his book, “The Origins of Virtue:  Human Instincts and the Evolution of Cooperation,” Matt Ridley brings up a point I find interesting.  When we think of the beehive, we perceive it as a truly incredible society that works so fluidly, so perfectly due to the self-sacrifice of each member.  Each bee is altruistic, sacrificing self for the greater good of the colony.  Thus, bees succeed through their virtue.  This is our perspective (according to Matt).

Or, consider the second example Matt poses:  the inner-workings of our own bodies.  Your body is composed of organ systems—the nervous system with your brain and spine, or the cardiac system with your heart and arteries and veins—which are composed of organs, composed of tissues, composed of cells all of which work together for the betterment of the whole.  Each for the life of all.  Each as a piece of a biological mosaic that goes around, giving the other pieces high fives as they work together for that next heartbeat, that next stride, that next … you get the idea.  Now, let us consider cancer by the same perspective.  A cancer cell refuses to die when the body asks for its sacrifice, refuses to stop multiplying despite the body’s request.  We perceive cancer as being selfish, of doing what’s best for itself to the detriment of the body.  And cancer generates mayhem … due to its vice of selfishness.  Therefore, we perceive that virtue and selflessness create the best — as with our bodies and bees — while vice and selfishness cause death.   

                Problem is, this perception is flawed.  A beehive is not an altruistic place.  And cancer is no more selfish than any other cell — it is merely less successful.  In the beehive, selflessness is achieved by the manipulation of selfishness.  To ensure that the innately selfish workers act toward a selfless end, the queen sterilizes the worker bees, rendering them infertile.  The infertile bee’s only hope of survival, of passing its genes on to the next generation, lies in the success of the group of bees — in the success of the hive.  The genius of the beehive is not altruism.  It is directed selfishness.  The same is true of our bodies:  “The whole system is beautifully designed so that the self-interested ambitions of each cell can only be satisfied by the cell doing its duty for the body,” (Ridley, pg. 46).  Our bodies offer the reward of reproduction to each cell, but only if the cell chooses selfless actions for the sake of the body.  It is merely in the selfish cell’s best interest to act selflessly as to achieve its selfish desires of proliferating.

Thus, the illusion of virtue is achieved:  selfishness appears selfless.  Bodies and beehives are not testimonies to virtue, but to virtue-plated vice.  The cancer cells we despise simply go about selfishness the wrong way — a less successful way — in the end.  

To the point:  perhaps we are deceiving ourselves.  We claim to love serving others, but perhaps, in the end, it is only ourselves that we love serving.  Are we living lives of pseudo-virtue?  Virtue born from vice?  Could it be that we, as smart Adventists, recognize it is easier to play along with the rules, to play along with the lifestyle in our subculture?  To receive for our masks the great rewards of self-righteousness and good social standing … 

Perhaps.  Perhaps … when we give to charity, we give out of a need to feel that we are good, generous people in order to create the emotions of pseudo-care and pseudo-concern for individuals whose needs we will — most likely — never again acknowledge in our everyday lives.  Do we really care if they’re Ugandans or from Honduras?  Or do we merely seek a cause “worthy” enough to deceive our pseudo-generosity?  And for those of us who search out such projects, do we deserve applause?  Or are we merely looking for something big enough to make us feel Christian?  While, perhaps, enjoying that substantial addition to our resumes …

Let me be blunt.  My hesitancy about our Christian society and my fears for my own spiritual walk in our Adventist subculture culminate in these observations.  When we interact with others, we love those we like the most and belittle those we like the least, creating pseudo-community.  We love when it’s easy and convenient, but most of all, when we can benefit ourselves.  We pseudo-love the powerful, the beautiful, and those we admire on the chance that they will return the favor and boost our pseudo self-esteem.  And we pseudo-love Jesus … because … perhaps we don’t really know Him; because perhaps He is not really convenient; because perhaps … perhaps I only understand life through the lens of my pseudo-love for me.

A professor from this campus who I deeply respect — a sociobiologist, in fact — sparked the following thought.  It seems “good” and “bad” are titles we humans assign to everything we encounter in life from a restaurant’s food quality, to a vacation, to a person’s character.  But might I suggest that notions of “good” and “bad” are often superficial — merely dependent on action.  We believe that it’s “good” to stop and help someone on the side of the road, that it’s “bad” to act spitefully, and generally, that we should be “good” people by being nice to those around us.  And I find it tempting to bring these labels of “good” and “bad” into deeper issues of faith, salvation, and Jesus.  That it’s “good” to have time with God each day, that it’s “good” to go to church, or read my Bible.  And I’m tempted to believe the sum of these “good” things makes my life virtuous.  

But perhaps true virtue — true righteousness — depends solely on the motive, on the heart, on the reasons behind the action.  That truly virtuous acts are almost afterthoughts; not pre-determined goals.  Perhaps a Christian lifestyle is only virtuous — only meaningful and truly “good” — when it overflows from the heart … the fruit of a sincere, beautiful and broken love for Jesus.  And perhaps it is only by our hearts that we might sense if our virtuous Christianity is the fruit of God’s virtue, or merely an incredible self-deception. 

A thought I’ll leave you with:

“The cooperation and progress inherent in human society are the result not of benevolence, but of the pursuit of self-interest.  Selfish ambition leads to industry [that feeds thousands]; resentment discourages aggression [while increasing productive competition]; vanity can be the cause of acts of kindness [that save millions of lives].”


All quotes taken from Matt Ridley’s “The Origins of Virtue:  Human Instincts and the Evolution of Cooperation.”

Saturday, August 28, 2010

CM--Larger than Life


For Camp MiVoden’s Book of Remembrance
August 28, 2010
Camp MiVoden—
                There are memories here of people that were larger than life, whose actions, lifestyles, and self-sacrifice awoke in me dreams of what I might one day be like for Christ; leadership styles that accepted people, nurtured their potential and cared for their wounds and faults; lives that emanated a vision, a purpose of selfless love shown in service in the everyday to awkward teens, newer staff, and those lost in the lie that focusing on self and my own needs brings happiness.  I remember working with these giants—these very real, breathing, visionary Christians living their passion for Jesus and others.  I remember the dramas, the energy and personality poured in to transform them into freakishly powerful, dynamic allegories of truths I felt in my life.  I remember the feeling of belonging, of acceptance, the excitement I felt to be part of something so deep, so real, which I could choose to be part of.
                For you, Reader, this is my challenge,  Choose to be part of that vision, that group reaching beyond our assigned responsibilities to personally connect and love others—both campers and staff.  Older staff, Directors of areas—you are responsible for demonstrating, exciting, focusing, creating this vision, this kind of purpose and focus at Camp.  This is an incredible opportunity.  I pray you take it.  I pray you feel that dream, and that you feel it embody itself in your actions, into the very fabric of who you are.  May you, by your love and investment in service, through God’s power and repainting of you, become larger than life…
                                                                                                               

                                                                                     Ryan Billington
                                                                                                         Philippians 3: 7-14

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Beyond Being a Teacher

Beyond being a teacher



from Mr. Billington

To my students…

Well guys, where to start. 

Thank you—I think that’s a good place to start.  Thank you for putting up with me as your teacher, and for perhaps even sending a smile or two my direction from time to time.  Thanks for putting up with me sleeping through class, stuttering through explanations, losing a paper or two, and severely misjudging you more times than once.  Thanks for providing the stress and struggle needed for me to make some really awesome insights into myself, people, and life.  Though teaching here has been one of the hardest, most discouraging things I’ve ever done, I will miss Pohnpei… almost exclusively because of you guys.

Sadly, I think friendship and teaching do not go hand-in-hand.  I feel that I hardly know so many of you, and that you guys have seen someone in front of the classroom every day who is barely me.  It’s almost like teaching is a show, an act that I put on, and I’m playing a part… anyway, I’m writing this letter to share a few parting words about the things that I hold to be truly important in life… yes… more than Algebra I, Physics, and Biology (or English 11).  Believe it or not, it feels like six months ago I was in your shoes… high school, the wide-open and slightly scary yet exciting horizon of life gaping before me, trying to figure out what was important, and what was important about me.  Here are a few things I feel I couldn’t share as your teacher about what I’ve found out about life… again, this is only me speaking about what I know.  These insights are not facts—just things I’ve found to be true—and they might not be true for you, but I feel compelled to share them.

When all is said and done, I think its relationships that make you happy in life, both in the long run and the day to day.

I think that knowledge is power, guys.  Good power.  In interactions with others, knowledge of who I am and why I react certain ways or feel certain emotions, knowledge of the financial world of jobs and success and opportunity, knowledge of the basic needs and desires of people—needs and desires that exist simply because they are human… such knowledge gives me incredible opportunities.  Strive for knowledge.  You create who you are, and you are the only one who will determine how much you know in and about life.

I think my world opens up when I listen to the insights of others.  I spend far too little time listening, and far too much time trying to make others listen and understand me.  It’s so easy to believe that everything in life is about me, and to only see my needs while ignoring the needs of those around me.  But it’s a strange thing—when I seek to meet other people’s needs, mine own needs are fulfilled more fully and deeply than ever.

Beauty is a blessing and a curse, girls.  Men chase women because we think they are the great adventure of life, but then we don’t know what to do when we catch the girl… we get bored, and start looking around again for another adventure.  The best dating relationships are the deepest friendships that grow beyond being merely friends.  Dating should be fun—if you aren’t having stellar times together (and believe it or not everyone, physical stuff gets does get old…), then something is not quite right.

God is not about church, church people, not doing drugs and alcohol, or reading the Bible 24/7.  For me, God is about the best and fullest way to live life.  Salvation simply comes down to a simple question:  do I think I’m broken, messed up, and that God knows a better way to live?  And do I want to try (and fail, but hey… I’m trying and that’s what counts) to live that way? 

Though God saves us, I can help choose how useful of a tool I can be in this world.  Strive to make yourself the best person you can, especially in how you interact with people… yet remember it is Jesus who saves us, and changes us when we are helpless to change ourselves.

For me, Christianity isn’t about some guy that died on a cross 2,000 years ago.  I follow Jesus because of what he did in my life yesterday, and last week.  I follow Jesus because something inside me wants to believe in him, to hope that there is something more to life.  And that “something more” didn’t happen 2,000 years go… I saw it 5 minutes ago in a kid’s smile, and this morning in how one of you forgave me after I blew up at you…

Lastly, none of this matters unless you believe you’re worth something… unless you believe that you have something to offer the world.  That you are unique.  That you are special.  Guys (a term where I’m from that just means “everyone”), you’ve changed my life, and I barely know you.  Every person has something to offer this world—a perspective completely unique to them.  Did you know that the greatest insights in science were made by scientists comparing their insights and findings with each other?  The greatest accomplishments of the world come through different, shared perspectives… and how you see the world is a perspective completely unique to you.  You can offer me something that no one else in the entire universe can… and my world can be made better and broader by being friends with you, and attempting to see the world through your eyes.  I hope you learn to see each person as a perspective of infinite value.

Third quarter was incredibly hard for me this year.  Losing my English 11 class, and picking up Algebra 1 made it feel like I was starting over.  Every teacher goes through a period where we have to be really strict—I call it the “hate phase” because all your students hate your guts, and for good reason *laughs*.  But now, with our Nett adventures and your jokes, awesome smiles, and hellos, I feel like a lot you guys have become my friends this last quarter.  And your friendship makes the ridiculously long hours of grading, struggling attempts to make class interesting and academically stellar, and the occasional bit of classroom hell… your friendship makes it all worth it.  Thank you for joking around with me, for still be friendly even after a crack down in class, and for giving me something terrific to remember about Pohnpei—and that’s you guys… *laughs* yes, even the guys who gave me that bit of classroom hell.  I’ll remember each one of you because of this:  you have become part of my story, part of my life, and molded the very fabric of who I am.   This year will always have a special place in my heart… thanks for teaching me, guys.

Sincerely,


Ryan Billington




Monday, March 15, 2010

The Wind

The Wind
by Ryan Billington
March, 2010

I wonder, I wonder...
if here or there you be;
but thoughts are what determine place...
While the physical is a mere temporary sea.

If the physical is the water over which we glide,
it carries our boats of life along.
But thoughts--perspective, personality, mind--
is the wind which draws my song.

And though our breath is sustained by wood
Which keeps us from the water,
The boat is not what makes us live—
It is the wind which drives our charter

The wind—which pushes beyond time and space
Which beckons my boat away
To leave the physical here and gone
That we might be this day

Monday, February 15, 2010

On Love and Brokenness

On Love and Brokenness
Thoughts by Ryan Billington
February, 2010

What is it—miracle or devil—that causes us to believe in love?  What is it—miracle or devil—that begs inside of us to believe in hope?  What is it—miracle or devil—that compels us to believe that good wins out?

For though love is true, we know it is not life that loves.  Nature is chance, and life begets neither compassion nor pardon for the living.  And we love not life, for we see the tragedy and injustice that life brings both to the good and the wicked, that time and chance really do happen to us all.  No, it is not life we love, but the people that life brings our way.  And because of these two undeniable truths that live etched in our veins, there lives—in our hearts—another.  This third truth we live, breathe, see, and feel, yet it struggles to find expression.  Often the greatest truths are those beyond the description of mere letters.  Truths of light.  Truths of black.  And this third truth is an enigma wreathed in both—light shadowed by darkness.  The best bound to the broken.

Love is not happiness.  Love does not win.  The way of love is better, it’s path fuller.  But the choice to love is a choice to be broken.

Deep inside the inner soul of humanity lives a knowing, a feeling that something about the human condition is broken.  Tragic.  Melancholic.  The human story is the search—giving, receiving, experiencing—love.  And love… love is a journey—a journey that contains the best, the fullness, the essence of life itself.  Yet it is a path that whispers of an ache.

For though love is the most powerful of forces, love is a gift.  A choice risked to be given, a risk chosen to be received.  And some of those dearest to us will not take it.

True life is inseparable from love, for by choosing one, we find it requires the other.  The brokenness of life, the broken quality that yields the tragic nature of the human existence is simply this—if we love, we will be broken.  And from this knowledge comes one of the most beautiful decisions any could make:  to love despite the risk, despite the coming heart break.  There is beauty in such a decision… beauty in such pain…

The beauty of love is shown in suffering.