Sunday, April 20, 2014

Bodies

Bodies
March 20, 2014


I felt a body die this night
It wasn’t glamorous,
Nor a sacred rite.
Just a threaded pulse that leapt, then waned,
A few twitches of muscle, a breath retained,
Then respite.

My fingers felt a pulse disappear
Then turn back to tempt hearts
of those austere.
But the man departed, away, long ago was gone
Don’t hope his body lingers on--
For account of your fears.

My hands felt ribs that broke for blows,
To squish a piece of meat enclosed,
“Stay, you Leaving, stay here in limbo.”
But I did not observe this body’s man, nor his drift beyond my sight;
I only watched his body die, to follow him to humanity’s certain night...
The way that empty bodies go.

The way that empty bodies go.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Hating Windows.



I wish I had a catchy opening for this entry.  A joke perhaps, or witty, lyrical opening that would play into the topic at hand.  However, the topic is one that seems to dwell on the other side of the tracks from witty comments and zesty experiences, for I am struggling with life, and it seems anything but witty, majestic, or worthwhile.

Seems that we all want our lives to mean something.  I don't feel like mine is meaning much right now.  I have this feeling often, actually--as if I'm on the edge of arriving at a period of time where I'll be able to invest myself into the right things, into the people that surround me.  And then, that time actually happens.  The period for which I've been hoping meanders into the present.  I make it through the "rough patch" of now to arrive at the green pastures of the other side of the fence.  Oh, glory that is mine over the potential had in that crossing! -- potential derived from care for the future, and its infinite openness for beauty and growth and goodness and progression. For life; zest; the feeling of grass between your toes and the sun on your back and the wind, whispering secrets through your hair as you delve into the richness of life.  So I flop into the grass at my feet, weary from toil and excited to enjoy the green bits that I have previously been sad-pressed to watched wander by--wander by to leave me behind.  In those times of their leaving, I was left with only the imagined, the dreamt of, the potential of life beyond the rough, when I wouldn't lack for time to experience those little green life bits.  "And now I can... "  And so I flop onto my back.  And I'm shocked, for it seems the grass immediately surrounding me has faded a few shades of green.  Why, you might ask--why did the grass fade?  And I'd be a bit hard pressed to tell you.  Perhaps it's a lack of energy affecting my sight, or my quandary over the difficult dichotomy between investing time in self-enrichment or relationships; a greater "wasting of time" on the daily tasks that have piled high, or perhaps into those neglected "meaning bits"/relationships by which I say my day has value, or perhaps a fall into the simple, fleeting joys of kicking back and watching a TV show, or ______________ .

It seems the puzzle of life is far from coherent image of purpose and depth and joys, even upon neutralizing the complicating pixilation caused by frustrations and challenges and pains.  Nope.  It's just a nauseating shamble of pieces of wrong sizes and incompatible shapes, and my head begins to throb as I search for each piece's proper place.  I'm discouraged, not enlivened, by life.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

During these past 8 days...

During these past 8 days...

... I've moved, resulting in a rediscovery of so much richness within the ordinary interactions I can have with those around me.

... I've spent approximately 105 hours in the hospital, with 2 overnight calls, and gained great appreciation for the interns, residents, and physicians who continue to surprise me with their patience.  I have yet to meet my stereotyped surgeon.

... I heard a previously undiagnosed heart murmur during a routine physical exam done for the purpose of preparing a patient for surgery.

... I watched swallows flitting through sunlight, hovering by tubes of mud with chirping youngsters four stories above the ground, with only a pane of glass between us.  It was a surprisingly meaningful experience that gave reason for re-centering of perspective--what vibrantly living moments exist just outside the windows of these sick patients' rooms that surround me, and what potential for joy and meaning in something as common as walking down a hospital hallway.

... I've gained a smattering of competence in running around a hospital that was previously unfamiliar, in navigating paper charts, and in feeling the potential to be useful to my superiors.  And I've found that I can make patients smile, feel heard, better understand the reasoning behind a physician's concern about numbers on a paper.

... and I've interacted with people.  Living, breathing human beings.  I'd almost forgotten how this felt, and the potential within it.  I no longer am responsible to spend 80% of my time in isolated study.  It feels like I've been given a chance to live meaningfully again.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Swirls of White and Blue

May 23, 4:12 am.

I'm struggling.

Not in the noble sense.  Not in any sense.  Probably most in nonsense.  Perhaps that's the hardest part of it.

... you know, I wish this silly journal of mine looked like I designed it to look--with the pretty mountains, and the lake in the background.  There's solace for me there, in the swirls of white and blue just above the cut lines of the mountains craggy peaks.  But no.  It's a hauntingly empty snowstorm of white, with cruel black letters bearing witness to my fragmented thoughts.  And so here I am, switching from this typing screen to majesty--the pretty mountains, and the lake, and the swirls of white and blue.  Oh for majesty; for swirls of white and blue.

I'd offer a disclaimer, but I don't want to discredit my words.  Yet the place in which my thoughts accumulate is vague and unsure.  I'm sleep-deprived, I'm... I'm just not in a good place.  I watched two movies featuring story lines with heavy psycho(patho)logical plot lines:  "Hard Candy," and "The Woodsman."  Perhaps not the best choice; perhaps the best choice.  Suggestion, revelation--do your own psychoanalysis... frankly, I don't care much for the ramifications of your formed opinion, because this. is. for me.

I think I'm struggling.
I think I'm struggling a lot.

I'm not sleeping at night, I can't focus well in the day.  I see no way in which Step 1 can pass without leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.  I feel shot.  Done.  Like a laundry sheet that's been through so many times, you mistake it for lace.

I feel like a shell of something that once used to be alive.  Now, I'm just faking it, keeping up appearances so that life goes on.  Time ticks by.  The ride keeps going, but I don't feel I can keep alert.  Everything that was once sacred, was once meaningful--I think I've squandered.  Now they are shells and shadows of what I used to know; I feel like a fraud.  Because I can't see the majesty, the swirls of white and blue.

And to be honest... I'm really glad that very few people read this blog.  I can spill my thoughts out, in solitude, with a pittance of memento, of a chronicle, or record, something of substance onto which, over the years, my soul can spill.

Swirls of white and blue.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The gray ought be in summer days
With sun and golden grain
For when it comes with wintry storm
Depression falls by rain


Wrapped by muscle, skin and sinew, by breath held, caged by by bone
She finds the contorting beat beneath her has become her home.


Saturday, May 18, 2013

Homosexuality, a Facebook Post


From a Facebook post 
May 2013

Homosexuality. 


... so I just rode home on my bike. One more day of studying done. And I'm perusing the internet while my heart goes thud-thud-thud, and I stumble across news about one of my favorite authors.



It seems that Rob Bell has stepped out in favor of same-sex marriage. Connected with his new book, "What We Talk About When We Talk About God." He even has done an interview or two on the subject--and apparently upset a lot of church-going people that are trying to love Jesus.

Here's what struck me: why is it that homosexuality gets so much attention? Why is it that homosexuality gets such limelight, to the point that many of us are familiar with claims that it is the thing so many God-followers fear is "destroying the sanctity" of marriage?

During 4 years at Walla Walla University, I only heard one guy take on the issue of pornography with gusto. He talked about masturbation, and why he had come to the personal decision that it shouldn't be part of his life in Christ.

He called porn the "Goodyear Blimp in the room." Said it was so large, that most of us had our chins forced 90 degrees in either direction, making it difficult to look at the issue. He even suggested that porn creates, single-handedly, the driving separation for men from the church--that is, the large gap between female and male church attendance. Matthew Gamble's word pictures are awesome. And it seems I remember him citing a survey of men at a marriage conference for church leaders (these are church leaders, mind you), that over 60% labeled themselves as addicted to pornography.

Didn't Jesus speak on divorce? "And I tell you this, whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful."
And what about affairs?
What IS purity, in practical terms? What IS sexual immorality?
And what about the pleasure that God created sex to be? At what point does sexual pleasure become something that destroys good things in life, as sin does?

Perhaps it's just me, but I feel so much of healthy sexuality is in the gray. And I don't feel the church has said many meaningful things to me about all this gray. Purity, pleasure, when, why, pitfalls, what Biblical principles guide this topic, and how culture affects the application of those principles. I'd be excited if these became as popular as discussions about homosexuality... 

So. To practical matters.
I'm not homosexual, but I've still got piles of work to do to figure out this sexuality thing, and how God makes it beautiful. Therefore (for me currently), getting overly worked up about homosexuality for the sake of my brother/sister seems a bit silly. If they love God, seems He'll work on them, like He's working on me. And perhaps we can discuss what we're learning together... which probably requires trust and friendship, and perhaps even a bit of niceness/love. And actually meeting people that happen to be homosexual.

And love probably doesn't center around avoiding, disliking, or casting quick and easy judgments. Darn. I am so good at that.

So why does homosexuality get so much more attention? Seems it's hogging the spotlight, and my problems are getting jealous.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Balloons

May 11, 2012

Note:  It's difficult to describe the darker, despairing moments that I seem to encounter during my sojourn as a medical student.  This entry comes from a Facebook post I wrote after having finished the last two weeks of final testing that capped my first year of medical school.  Hope, courage, disappointment, despair, the energy to strive on, hopelessness, and confusion.  Handling life under the psychological threat of medical school creates an interesting emotional terrain.  Herein lies a painting of this emotional landscape at a particularly bleak section of trail along my journey.


     It seems med school is a bit like a maze in which the walls are adorned with the points of a thousand needles.  And we students are balloons, floating through the unknown.  Inevitably, I will run into a needle, and I must pick up the pieces... dare to try again.  So I work incredibly hard, and inflate the balloon of my dreams so that it can keep carrying me on.  And at the end of the unknown maze and it's challenges, the professor tells me that my grade doesn't matter--that I'm back to square one--and hands me a test that has so very little to do with the information I've learned this year, assessed in a style to which I am unaccustomed.  And I feel the needle sinking in, and the balloon pops, and I wake up, feeling as if I was willfully led into a dream by those who handed me accolades for my achievements--tricked into thinking that my efforts and my sacrifice had bought me success.  But the trophies are gone, and there's nothing left to show for the pain and the blood I'd paid for them.  Learning is great--but we rank those who learn.  And I have nothing to show for it but the pieces of my broken balloon...

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Emergence

       It's a scary thing, not to be polished.  An entry or two ago, I wrote that I was going to try to leave my shoe polish in the closet, the iron on the shelf--to let my thoughts emerge into the world without that starched collar, those shiny black shoes that look so new, without the jacket or the pants.  Without the suit that is above reproach--well, at least marginally defensible against reproach.  How many of us had nightmares about going to school, and then realizing that we were only in our underwear?  That's a bit how I feel about this blog right now, that I'm risking that I'll come to full consciousness in the middle of Thought World in only my underwear.  But the fresh breaths of air, the freedom, the permission to... not... be excellent... that permission is good, I think.  The world becomes a bigger place, and perhaps I become a bit bigger as well--perhaps even big enough to grow out of my terror of being caught in only my underwear.

       It's almost the end of our midterm test week.  Such mixed feelings.  The intensity of pre-test week is something to behold--a physical, mental, and spiritual intensity that is compounded by a neglecting of social connections that is necessary for many of us so as to sustain such intense periods of study.  And so life begins to revolve more and more around academic responsibilities as test week slips onto the boarder of the horizon.  Perhaps you can relate to this looming central reality that seems to swallow the whole of your vision, planning, and thoughts of the future.  In my schedule, these looming realities exist:  realities that loom large--so large that their shadows fall impenetrably black across my life, and seeing beyond them is unimaginable.  Each ounce of my energies for these past three weeks has been carefully weighed by it's investment in preparing me for the trial of Exam Week--the mountain range that has been drawing nearer, inching taller, looming larger, pressing closer as it swallows my field of vision.  And I know I must attempt to cross it.  Soon.  Yet I must not only attempt, but succeed--and succeed in a way as to sustain exceptionality.  And now, the unimaginable has happened, and I am walking down the descending slope of the last craggy peak--the mountain range lies behind me.  I've done it.  I've crossed the Rockies to emerge on the corn fields of Kansas, and I really don't know what to do with myself.  I mean, corn fields can be exciting, I suppose; but it takes a very different mindset to get excited about the flat, dimensionless, mind-numbing similarity--this lack of dynamicity--that surrounds me, here, in Kansas, after the threatening, hostile topography of the Rockies.  What does Dorothy say to Todo when they arrive back in Kansas?

       I thrive on the challenges demanding intensity, and I am thrilled that there are mountains of knowledge to climb, worlds of excellence for which to strive--for if there weren't, I'd be quite bored.  On a large scale, such demand is central to why I find medicine alluring.  On a small scale--the present, daily life in which I live and experience, such as Exam Week--it is where I find a fire inside myself, a determination, energy, an inner smirk that dares the challenge, Try it... try breaking me, defeating me, extinguishing me.  Apparently, this mettle-testing, dominating tendency is a hallmark of my personality, which sees my environment "in terms of struggle and endurance" against which I am testing my ability to survive. (Other hallmarks include packing more steely determination and single-mindedness into life than the other Enneagram types, complimented by a wickedly strong aggressive streak; scary).  Though at times I am intimidated, stressed, fearful, or timid, I love a worthy challenge.  But consistently, as I re-emerge upon life from my crucible, I find that the world has faded--as if I have come forth from the fire and darkness into the sunlight of life--simple, joyful life; but I discover that my eyes are unable to see the colors around me, that the world is white, for the light of possibility shines on everything.  All aspects of life.  And I am adrift.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Ways of We

Ways of We

by Ryan Billington
December 21, 2011

The differences 'tween ways of "we"
That some cause rage and some cause glee
So random, indistinguished, free;
That with you, might I simply be
In unadorned simplicity.
Yet switch me to another "we"
To learn synthesis of austerity
Though hard we strive, nere to see
A more twisted connectivity--
A mess of me in we.

Stark dichotomy is this:
The first--surreal, ethereal bliss
"Possible" eclipsed by surprising tryst
A world repainted with magic's kiss
Encompassed by enlightened mist
We dash along each other's twists,
And in "we," I find me free.

The second path, e'er more so tangled
The twists between, so gnarled, mangled
Damage by confused harangules*
Speeches choked with gangled jangles
So lost are we, in woods, triangled
'Tween you and me and we...
Lost in missed simplicity.

I wish to emphasize a truth--
Though discordancies run uncouth,
While harmony reigns in youth
In these different paths of "we,"
These different degrees of simplicity,

That one is not e'er set in better
Though easier it may be forever
But both essential, learning tethers
To life, you, me, and we--
To matchless, danced complexity--
Truths in ways of we.


*Harangule -  a mid-sized diatribe, in a similar juxtaposition as the mid-sized SUV, or arterioles and venules in the human body; a medium-sized verbal attack. 

Friday, December 9, 2011

Thoughts and Tuxedos

        To date, this blog has been a compiling of more formal written works.  Polished.  Edited.  Re-drafted.  I think I'm going to try to change the the flavor of it all.  And this is difficult for me.  It's easy to be polished, isn't it?  To present well, to be not only competent, but excellent.  Back in Walla Walla, a theology professor as gnarled and thoughtful as an old oak tree, dropped an five-minute thought on my classmates one day--to have the courage to be mediocre.  And the thought rang true in my life experience.  How often am I concerned with appearances and performance, to the exclusion of living life in this moment?  I'd like to live now, here, in this moment, and be a bit less wrapped up in damage-control, what if's, the whirlwind of possible misunderstandings.

        I do like completed thoughts.  I like how they grow and mature into powerful new understandings and perspectives.  I like how they begin to fit, to sync, to click-in with the other puzzle pieces of my worldview, and I like being conscious of these connections.  Yet how vibrant life is, it's colors spinning all around me in such a way that I find I am ever only improvising in this moment--this moment that happens once.  Life seems rather informal in that way, how we all are thrust into the present.  So perhaps my ideas should enter this dance as well, and leave the tuxedo behind so that these thoughts of mine can dash through streets, jump in puddles, and risk being identified as everyday.  I'd rather be a street philosopher, with dirt under my fingernails, wet shoes from the puddles, and full lungs from dashing about and dodging cars and accidentally running into people and tripping over my own two feet.

Yes.  Tripping.  I'm excited about this, about tripping.

I'm going to go do a bit of that now, for it's rather late.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

On the Purpose of the Sabbath

Ryan Billington
8/31/11
Orientation to Religion and Medicine
Essay:  A Day for Healing


                My history within the Adventist church places a rich emphasis on Sabbath, God’s holy day of rest.  From the time of my childhood, I can recall many of our family traditions that surrounded this day:  the hectic Friday cleaning after school, the special Friday night meal, attending Sabbath school and church, special Sabbath games after lunch, and a special sundown worship to conclude the Sabbath before the Saturday nights of games and family fun.  Yet despite my extensive history and experience with the Sabbath, I still wrestle with what I’m to do on this holy day.  I suggest in this brief essay that Sabbath is to be a time for reflection that can then stimulating action; a time for re-centering and re-adjusting my life around the redemptive work of God.
My personally defined purpose of Sabbath sounds terrific:  a reflective, action-stimulating day for re-centering upon the salvation possible through Christ.  However, the application of this purpose—any sort of application—is incredible difficult.  Allow me elaborate.  I claim to be a follower of Christ.  In my understanding, this claim means that the central focus of my life and actions are upon Christ and his example, and that I seek to live in a connection with God that alters the my decisions, my daily course.  I am to seek God, and allow that seeking to transform my actions.
How does this purpose of my being a Christian in every day of my life relate to Sabbath?  Sabbath is to be special day—set aside from other days of the week as a unique opportunity for God’s redemptive work.  Therefore, how should Sabbath differ from what I seek to do every day as a follower of Christ?  What in my actions on this seventh day sets Sabbath apart as holy?  What makes this a day dedicated to the salvation of my life and my world; what makes my Sabbath a special time for God’s redemptive work?  After having wrestled for several years with the mechanics of “the Sabbath difference” with only pint-sized results, I have begun to reach beyond my fears of “breaking” the rules of this holy day.  Instead of Sabbath being a twenty-four hour standard of living which I must achieve, the day is becoming a checkpoint for the standard of living to which I prescribe the other six days of the week.  Therefore, instead of Sabbath being a day that I must set apart, it becomes a day when I look and wrestle with how it is that I’m setting my life apart.
                They say that in the Gospels—the record of Jesus’ life while on earth—the majority of his miracles were performed on Sabbath, that on this particular day of the week, Jesus actively sought out individuals to heal.  Often, he did so publically, under direct observation of his greatest critics, such as in Mark 3, and Luke 13.  Might I suggest that Jesus was trying to re-adjust, to re-center the holiness pursued by the Pharisees upon the ways of God.  I think that Jesus was not merely teaching us about Sabbath, or about the ways to keep this day holy, but that he was also pursuing individuals—the Pharisees, the leader of the synagogue—by challenging, begging a readjustment not only of their standard of Sabbath-keeping, but of the standard by which they were living life. 
In the Old Testament, the Sabbath day was set apart by God as a holy day.  But in the New Testament, in John 17 just before his crucifixion, Jesus prays to God for “all who will ever believe in me”, saying, “Make them pure and holy by teaching them your words of truth… I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are—I in them and you in me, all being perfected into one.  Then the world will know that you sent me and will understand that you love them as much as you love me” (John 17:20, 22-23 NLT).  From my limited understanding, it seems that we are to be the glory of God, perfected by God’s redemptive work into the holiness and oneness of God Himself.  We are to be holy, not merely keep a holy day.  And once we are living holy lives, perhaps then we will figure out what keeping a holy day is all about.  Perhaps this is a small piece of the reason that Jesus said, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.  So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath” (Mark 2:27 NIV).  

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Statues

Statues
by Ryan Billington
May 19, 2011

                I’m a college student.  While the fact seems fairly obvious, it seems my brain has its ganglia wrapped around certain parts of childhood over which I become a bit nostalgic.  Like official nap time.  Or Legos.   Or snack time with Cheez-Its and Jell-o squares.  Or flannel graph boards.  Seriously — how cool were flannel graphs?  I think some of my college classes could be greatly benefited by those felted figures, with the professor acting out the different voices and sounds, inching the happy sheep herd slowly toward the waterhole, unaware of the wolf behind the giant felt bolder.  I can feel the tension.  Who wants to watch a felt wolf engulf a herd of happy sheep?  But you know it won’t happen.  Everything always works out right in Flannel Graph Land.  The trees are loaded with apples, the people are always smiling.  I mean — where did we get the idea of warm-fuzzy notes?  Makes me wonder if they ever prescribe flannel graphing for stress relief.
I was walking back in the rain from a vespers I had almost skipped, feeling a bit contemplative.  It was late after vespers, and everyone had disappeared to after-vespers hang-outs except for the few stragglers around me — the few, the proud, the remnant that stays till they shut off the sanctuary lights.  Recently, the Walla Walla University alumni donated funds to create a statue monument depicting Jesus washing the feet of a small group of college students.  Jesus has a small water jar that pours a cord of water into a basin at the students’ feet. The water gurgles a bit as it lands in the basin.  It sounds like happy water — like the water molecules are smiling, just like the kids around Jesus.  The statues are artfully surrounded by curved benches and crisp red brick boxes, holding the small trees and many lights which cast a glow on the footwashing scene.  With the lights pitching a roofless canopy in the falling rain, I watched as droplets of light hovered over the figures, suspended in illumination as new raindrops replaced those that fell, gracefully cascading down upon the stilled figures, melting into rivulets tinged with bronze that traced the contours of the statues to splash upon the sidewalk.  It was beautiful.
                I turned away from the statues, raindrops misting the backs of my calves.  I’d worn shorts to vespers, and the raindrops felt very wet, very alive.  I liked it.  But as I turned, I saw that the rain away from the dripping figurines didn’t look nearly as picturesque as it fell from a black sky; no golden glow was set in each droplet by those lights that warmed the statues.  And the people with whom I walked did not seem nearly as warm and inviting as the bronzed figures.  These real people were cast in shadows with hands shoved into pockets, arms tight to torso, bumping along in disjointed steps.  I think human beings look funny when walking.  I mean, there are a few exceptions, but for the common person, it seems like their gait lacks fluidity, or perhaps that their hips are jutting back just a bit too far so that their torso seems stuck in a perpetual overbite of their legs.  I even feel this way about my walk.  It’s really a shame they don’t have orthodontists for such things — you know, fixing people’s torso overbite.  But back to the people in the rain.  Cast in the shadows, stumbling through the night, the people next to me seemed — well — like less-es; loser aura; stragglers that didn’t get an invite to an after-vespers party; probably those awkward, socially sketchy people that I wouldn’t care to get to know.  This all sounds terribly elitist and judgmental.  But let me clarify:  I wasn’t feeling vindictive or prejudiced, I was just basking in a blah-ness towards friendliness that sucks away any desire for amiable aquaintancing.  I’m overemphasizing these slight feelings a wee bit to set the sort of the mood that I think many of us know well.
                As I walked away from the statues, my mind lingered on the light canopy, the happy water, Jesus and the college students, and the raindrops on my calves that made everything feel so alive.  I thought that the statue scene felt right.  Right, because I felt that it showed what Jesus would be doing on a rainy Friday evening such as this — out in a raincoat, serving the surprised and hesitant individuals that stumbled within his reach.  But then an epiphany hit me like a hello from Pedrito.  I realized — genius that I am — that such a Jesus would no longer be hanging out in his golden canopy.  He’d be cast in flitting shadows that would make his cheeks gaunt and his frame ambiguous, just like the people next to me.  Frankly, I liked Jesus in the warm glow of the lights.  He looked all Jesus-ish and inviting, just like he had as a flannel graph so many years ago.  I was kind of worried what he’d look like outside the lights, like he’d mutate into something else.  Fact is, I think if Jesus had walked across the Kretschmar lawn that night, and I would have thought him a less, with his odd raincoat and his hands stuffed in his pockets, which would have made his hips seem odd and awkwardly placed.  I probably would have avoided him.
                I think that I struggle to imagine a real-life Jesus.  Whenever I imagine him interacting with people, the scene turns into this meaning-packed, tension-filled melodrama that the sages and theology majors will study for centuries, critiquing every move and word and syllable from Christ.  It’s like those flannel graphs from primary class have never gone away, and Jesus is stuck on them, always surreal, with his perfect hair and little red sash.  It seems like if Jesus ever had any fun, then he’d be wasting precious moments in which he could have been ministering to someone.  I can’t picture Jesus just cutting loose and going waterskiing with me in the morning.  It seems I’ve trapped Jesus in this “meaning box,” in this canopy of light-lit, gold-flashing droplets under which everything — every action, thought, and eye shudder — must carry some grandiose purpose that should probably end up changing me, my life, someone else’s life, or — heck — the world.  And well — I guess when I step back and look at my perspective, it doesn’t seem like that fits into a very real reality, into very real relationships — I mean, at least, none that I’ve ever experienced.
                I guess I would hope that I get to know the other Jesus — not the one in the golden canopy — but the one with the funny raincoat and oddly shaped hips.  It seems like that’s the Jesus I need to learn to imagine and follow, the one that can fit into real moments and real relationships and my very real problem situations.  Perhaps one day I’ll learn to escape from the image of Jesus I saw on the flannel graph board, the Jesus that’s trapped in that golden canopy …

Thursday, December 30, 2010

E’er True

E’er True

a poem to my mother
on your birthday of December 30, 2010
from your youngest son.

A word for my mother on this day of all days—
It seems tradition, a bit, these syllables I say,
To dip and flow in meter and rhyme—
My thoughts, for you, a smooth pantomime.
Remembering past, recalling your worth,
That I’ve basked in and grown in, ever since birth.

I haven’t loved well, I’m the first to admit;
But learning to love is a task never quit.
I dream that one day I’ll perfect my attempts,
That perhaps into love might I invest my vehemence.
We’ve eternity to practice, to discover the new—
Mother, dream this—know it e’er to be true.

And while painful lows may have darkened our past;
Though jumbled roots tripped us, and left us aghast—
That though we may fight quarrel bicker days dusk,
That though we each feel our chastisement unjust,
Mother, hope this—know it e’er to be true;
Relationship, love—is a dance through and through…

This is the great beauty in the dance we call life
The unknown, unpredicted—despite fear of strife;
For though strife catch all, and dark despair ensues—
Mother, weep this—know it e’er to be true;
The brokenness of love is in its freedom to break,
A most vulnerable beauty that breath ever did take.

And despite cracked crevasses that dot this life dear,
Despite the aloneness that pushes so near—
Mother, pray this—know it e’er to be true;
That love, its footsteps so sacrificingly hued,
Overcomes every quandary and problem foretold;
That in loving, we put forth the best and the bold.

I pray upon all us the beauty love knew.
Mother, cherish this—know it e’er to be true;
The artist’s next brush stroke is but guess to the canvas,
And thus frees the joy of wondered, awed madness.
Potential—the future—but a gift that we share,
To venture in brush strokes toward ever e’er.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Bodies and Beehives: the Sociobiology of Virtue


Bodies and Beehives:  the Sociobiology of Virtue

By Ryan Billington


                So — the confession.  I’m an upper classman science major — a predisposition I feel might forewarn you to the perspective that originates the forthcoming article.  It seems the longer I stay on this Walla Wallaian campus, the more I notice the subtle departmental nuances residing in students prescribed to a particular curriculum:  the oddities of those engineering personalities, the quirks of the music majors, the idiosyncrasies of the English department or the art majors, or the quirks of those focused on the pursuit of better business abilities.  And we biology and chemistry majors are no different.  My upper division classes coagulate the oddities of the science-minded, producing discussions in Rigbyspeak of heterotrophic systems, isotypes, oxidative phosphorylation, and hyperconjugation … gobbledygook which might make a few of you feel ill upon mere mention.  But the gobbledygook fades to a whisper as we disperse from our upper division lectures and return to normal life, in which our scientific gibberish slips out only on occasion, leaving communications majors with that hint of a feeling, “What is up with those Rigbytarians?”

                I’m taking a class called sociobiology.  It’s a hush-hush upper division biology endeavor that examines the social behaviors of humans from an evolutionary perspective.  Evolution, by the way, just refers to change.  We talk about how things change, develop, come to be the norm in human social interactions.  And for things to become the norm, they must be passed on — an idea that we describe as evolutionary fitness:  the ability of an individual to get his or her DNA material onto the next generation.  So … don’t tell, but we might discuss “reproduction activities” fairly often.  And the cover of my sociobiology book might make you blush.  Random fact:  a few sociobiologists might appear as pornographers to the uneducated.  No further comment.

                But in my sociobiology class, we examine human behavior, specifically, how it benefits individuals and their evolutionary fitness.  Lately, we’ve been considering vice and virtue.  Here’s a perspective on the two from author Matt Ridley — see if you agree.  He says, “Selfishness is almost the definition of vice … murder, theft, rape, and fraud are considered crimes of great importance because they are selfish or spiteful acts that are committed for the benefit of the actor [at] the detriment of the victim.”  Matt believes that virtue lies on the opposite side of the fence, that “virtue is, almost by definition, [doing] the greater good of the group …  [that] cooperation, altruism, generosity, sympathy, kindness, selflessness — are all unambiguously concerned with the welfare of others,” (Ridley, pg. 38).

                Here’s a sociobiological problem:  it seems life does not favor the truly selfless or virtuous.  Yet, virtue is an idea that spans ethnicities and oceans.  We could perhaps even say it seems inherent in humanity.  How can virtue stick around when it seems that those who “turn the other cheek” will most likely end up ravaged in our dog-eat-dog world?  My life experience causes me to believe that the world will always contain people who will take advantage of kindness, generosity, and trust.  So how does virtue survive?  How can it when it seems that any virtue-embodying DNA would quickly be used, scammed, abandoned, enslaved, and starved into extinction?

                To answer this question, jump with me to beehives.  In his book, “The Origins of Virtue:  Human Instincts and the Evolution of Cooperation,” Matt Ridley brings up a point I find interesting.  When we think of the beehive, we perceive it as a truly incredible society that works so fluidly, so perfectly due to the self-sacrifice of each member.  Each bee is altruistic, sacrificing self for the greater good of the colony.  Thus, bees succeed through their virtue.  This is our perspective (according to Matt).

Or, consider the second example Matt poses:  the inner-workings of our own bodies.  Your body is composed of organ systems—the nervous system with your brain and spine, or the cardiac system with your heart and arteries and veins—which are composed of organs, composed of tissues, composed of cells all of which work together for the betterment of the whole.  Each for the life of all.  Each as a piece of a biological mosaic that goes around, giving the other pieces high fives as they work together for that next heartbeat, that next stride, that next … you get the idea.  Now, let us consider cancer by the same perspective.  A cancer cell refuses to die when the body asks for its sacrifice, refuses to stop multiplying despite the body’s request.  We perceive cancer as being selfish, of doing what’s best for itself to the detriment of the body.  And cancer generates mayhem … due to its vice of selfishness.  Therefore, we perceive that virtue and selflessness create the best — as with our bodies and bees — while vice and selfishness cause death.   

                Problem is, this perception is flawed.  A beehive is not an altruistic place.  And cancer is no more selfish than any other cell — it is merely less successful.  In the beehive, selflessness is achieved by the manipulation of selfishness.  To ensure that the innately selfish workers act toward a selfless end, the queen sterilizes the worker bees, rendering them infertile.  The infertile bee’s only hope of survival, of passing its genes on to the next generation, lies in the success of the group of bees — in the success of the hive.  The genius of the beehive is not altruism.  It is directed selfishness.  The same is true of our bodies:  “The whole system is beautifully designed so that the self-interested ambitions of each cell can only be satisfied by the cell doing its duty for the body,” (Ridley, pg. 46).  Our bodies offer the reward of reproduction to each cell, but only if the cell chooses selfless actions for the sake of the body.  It is merely in the selfish cell’s best interest to act selflessly as to achieve its selfish desires of proliferating.

Thus, the illusion of virtue is achieved:  selfishness appears selfless.  Bodies and beehives are not testimonies to virtue, but to virtue-plated vice.  The cancer cells we despise simply go about selfishness the wrong way — a less successful way — in the end.  

To the point:  perhaps we are deceiving ourselves.  We claim to love serving others, but perhaps, in the end, it is only ourselves that we love serving.  Are we living lives of pseudo-virtue?  Virtue born from vice?  Could it be that we, as smart Adventists, recognize it is easier to play along with the rules, to play along with the lifestyle in our subculture?  To receive for our masks the great rewards of self-righteousness and good social standing … 

Perhaps.  Perhaps … when we give to charity, we give out of a need to feel that we are good, generous people in order to create the emotions of pseudo-care and pseudo-concern for individuals whose needs we will — most likely — never again acknowledge in our everyday lives.  Do we really care if they’re Ugandans or from Honduras?  Or do we merely seek a cause “worthy” enough to deceive our pseudo-generosity?  And for those of us who search out such projects, do we deserve applause?  Or are we merely looking for something big enough to make us feel Christian?  While, perhaps, enjoying that substantial addition to our resumes …

Let me be blunt.  My hesitancy about our Christian society and my fears for my own spiritual walk in our Adventist subculture culminate in these observations.  When we interact with others, we love those we like the most and belittle those we like the least, creating pseudo-community.  We love when it’s easy and convenient, but most of all, when we can benefit ourselves.  We pseudo-love the powerful, the beautiful, and those we admire on the chance that they will return the favor and boost our pseudo self-esteem.  And we pseudo-love Jesus … because … perhaps we don’t really know Him; because perhaps He is not really convenient; because perhaps … perhaps I only understand life through the lens of my pseudo-love for me.

A professor from this campus who I deeply respect — a sociobiologist, in fact — sparked the following thought.  It seems “good” and “bad” are titles we humans assign to everything we encounter in life from a restaurant’s food quality, to a vacation, to a person’s character.  But might I suggest that notions of “good” and “bad” are often superficial — merely dependent on action.  We believe that it’s “good” to stop and help someone on the side of the road, that it’s “bad” to act spitefully, and generally, that we should be “good” people by being nice to those around us.  And I find it tempting to bring these labels of “good” and “bad” into deeper issues of faith, salvation, and Jesus.  That it’s “good” to have time with God each day, that it’s “good” to go to church, or read my Bible.  And I’m tempted to believe the sum of these “good” things makes my life virtuous.  

But perhaps true virtue — true righteousness — depends solely on the motive, on the heart, on the reasons behind the action.  That truly virtuous acts are almost afterthoughts; not pre-determined goals.  Perhaps a Christian lifestyle is only virtuous — only meaningful and truly “good” — when it overflows from the heart … the fruit of a sincere, beautiful and broken love for Jesus.  And perhaps it is only by our hearts that we might sense if our virtuous Christianity is the fruit of God’s virtue, or merely an incredible self-deception. 

A thought I’ll leave you with:

“The cooperation and progress inherent in human society are the result not of benevolence, but of the pursuit of self-interest.  Selfish ambition leads to industry [that feeds thousands]; resentment discourages aggression [while increasing productive competition]; vanity can be the cause of acts of kindness [that save millions of lives].”


All quotes taken from Matt Ridley’s “The Origins of Virtue:  Human Instincts and the Evolution of Cooperation.”

Saturday, August 28, 2010

CM--Larger than Life


For Camp MiVoden’s Book of Remembrance
August 28, 2010
Camp MiVoden—
                There are memories here of people that were larger than life, whose actions, lifestyles, and self-sacrifice awoke in me dreams of what I might one day be like for Christ; leadership styles that accepted people, nurtured their potential and cared for their wounds and faults; lives that emanated a vision, a purpose of selfless love shown in service in the everyday to awkward teens, newer staff, and those lost in the lie that focusing on self and my own needs brings happiness.  I remember working with these giants—these very real, breathing, visionary Christians living their passion for Jesus and others.  I remember the dramas, the energy and personality poured in to transform them into freakishly powerful, dynamic allegories of truths I felt in my life.  I remember the feeling of belonging, of acceptance, the excitement I felt to be part of something so deep, so real, which I could choose to be part of.
                For you, Reader, this is my challenge,  Choose to be part of that vision, that group reaching beyond our assigned responsibilities to personally connect and love others—both campers and staff.  Older staff, Directors of areas—you are responsible for demonstrating, exciting, focusing, creating this vision, this kind of purpose and focus at Camp.  This is an incredible opportunity.  I pray you take it.  I pray you feel that dream, and that you feel it embody itself in your actions, into the very fabric of who you are.  May you, by your love and investment in service, through God’s power and repainting of you, become larger than life…
                                                                                                               

                                                                                     Ryan Billington
                                                                                                         Philippians 3: 7-14