Disconnect

Disconnect

12/19/07

By Ryan Billington

            There is a disconnect in life—a gap between the lives we envision ourselves living and how that vision is played out on the canvas of reality.  We, despite towering expenses of energy and effort, are not what we try to be.  This principle proves true for all, save a very few odd exceptions.  Mentally, physically, socially, relationally—we are not, have not, do not, and can not do or be what we desire.  From these inadequacies come elements fundamental to humanity:  achievement, failure, desire for self-improvement, disappointment—even depression, the ultimate mental struggle with darkness, doubt, and failure. 

The frame of disconnect that I am referring to, however, is the social facet of this almost universal truth.  So often the portrayal of ourselves—through the avenues of gesture, word, and deed—that we instinctively, as if by default, display is not set by what we ourselves see as admirable and good.  Instead, it is set by social “requirements”—expectations set in the mind of us, the responders, that produce such stereotypical action if only because such action is safe, tried, proven.  Perhaps for some, confidence is lacking, particularly in the mental and communicative abilities to comprehend, process, and respond in a desired fashion.  I find myself aboard that boat quite often.  A fear of silence—of time between the message and the response—seems to dominate actions.  Or perhaps a desire to display particular admirable and desirable personal characteristics changes the way we act around the unfamiliar and ever changing social setting.  This assumption explains the fear and anxiety felt in the unchartered social setting. 

But why?  Why is there a gap between who we are and whom we display?  An individual with an extraordinary array of interesting ideas, talents, and skills is cornered into silence and must fight to break free of the very real and present chains that create tension and restrain a natural way of interacting.  And why is this so?  Simply because the individual is around a large group of his fellow mankind.  I believe that inside the soul of each individual is a most fundamental and basest of fears—the fear of being alone.  Rejection, dislike—the fear of being unwanted and undesired has touched every soul that has set foot on this planet.  Why is that interesting individual intimidated into silence?  Because this fear is waiting—waiting for justification, for proof that the ghosts and whispering doubts of his soul are correct and true.

And so we become not ourselves, but cardboard cutouts that seek to display what we “truly are.”  I have a desire:  to be me—wherever, whenever, why ever.  To be free from walls I build in my mind that funnel social behavior into something determined by bandwagon fallacy to be acceptable; to be perfectly alright with the momentary portrayal of me to seem strange—not in a creepy or disturbing or unhealthy way, but just to be honestly me.  This is the climax of personal security.  Social boundaries and boarders are essential to life.  Insulting, offending, and disturbing others is not acceptable or healthy.  But being true to that unique originality that rests inside the hidden corners of each face and soul is a mountaintop for personal maturity.  However, I do know a mountain guide:  an excitement and willingness to explore and justify ideas outside our own way of thinking, the only safeguard to keep a mind at the mountain’s peak instead of a crevasse.