“This is something I wrote out, because--well. Sometimes I'm pretty crappy at reaching out
to you first... I get caught up in stuff, and I think--despite how important
you are to me--you might feel left in the lurch.
I. struggle. when I feel left. by people that matter. So I wrote this out, and was curious if you
might relate... and if so, what I can do to chase these feelings away...
'When I was little, sometimes I would occupy myself
with teasing my older brother--more for attention and for interaction than
anything else. However, if my dad saw
us, he would say to my older brother in a somewhat joking fashion, "Just
hit him, and then he'll get the idea and stop."
And. I remember how
such phrases made me feel less than human so quickly. It's odd, the strength of those phrases. I knew at the time and know now that my dad
didn't mean anything damaging by them.
But I remember feeling like a fly that should be batted away by a fly
swatter till it left.
I still feel like that, sometimes. Maybe it's something a lot of us
feel--insecure about our being wanted, or valued in a relationship.
... whenever I have to call out to someone several times,
and they seem busy or preoccupied, I feel like that little boy again. Like something unfit for interacting with
other people. Something that should be
batted away till it dies, or leaves. And
that feeling--it's a lie, I think--I know.
It's a lie. Why does my heart
still feel like it's true so quickly, when someone I care about seems to not
have time for me...' "
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